Probably my most personal blog EVER!

Okay. So this is a very personal blog. And it’s also a tiny bit annoying to write, just cause I had nearly finished when all of a sudden I lost everything I was typing. But I’m gonna do it again. Just cause its important to me. So…November 2005. My one year anniversary as a Christian. I had just left home due to family problems. I was living with my friend, Glenn, in Bangor. I didn’t have much to do, cause I had dropped out of Uni as well. So all I had to do was go to the beach down by my friend’s house. It is a really nice spot. Sometimes cold, actually always cold, but the sea is nice and the beach is beautiful. There are a lot of rocks, but I like rocky beaches. So…I spent a lot of time down at the beach, writing journal entries. This was a time when I really started seeking God and really started to feel his presence. I just found these entries in my bag I packed for America! So I think there is some relevance in them. So I am gonna type them up and let you read them. They are personal, so appreciate them and let me know if you have any thoughts. I thought this would be a nice interesting way for people who haven’t known me that long to kind of see into my past. The bold writing are song quotes I was listening too at the time of writing. Excuse the Pussycat Dolls one. Haha! Other bold things are thoughts and bible verses! Track the progress over the weekend period I wrote these! God is good!


Friday 11th November

I just sit here and wonder – why isn’t Christian life really easy. I mean we’ve got God on our side, yet for me to be writing this contradicts it. I mean I know God is real, and loves me, but as I think that – I feel nothing. Just void of emotion. It was good for a few months and all, then there’s just been this increasing ‘nothing’. No communication, despite various attempts. It is very easy for people to say ‘everyone has a dry spell, or feels disconnected’. I fear that the enemy has a grip on me and I just can’t release it. I mean, even at home things are bad. We all make effort, but my parent’s just make me so angry and I hate the effect living there has on me. I just can’t stay there any longer. I’m also considering dropping out of University and just disappearing. I just want God to reach to me and take my hand. I can’t imagine he likes to see me feeling so down. Lord, I just want you to open the eyes of my heart.

PLEASE LORD, I AM DESPERATE AND THIRSTY!

Perhaps I am holding myself back.

I’ve got he freedom to stand, the future is mine, I’m going to give all I can – to break down these walls that hold me in, You’re my reason to live.

Monday 15th November

The beach is blowing moderate coldness on the old skin here. I’ll tough it out though to write this out. This is a time of much thought of reflection and learning – which seems to happen every time I come to Bangor aka The North pole of Ireland. ABSOLUTLY BALTIC!
Prayer was amazing last night, one of the most ‘connected’ prayers I’ve had in a long time. I’ve just really discovered giving ‘it’ to God. ‘It’ being whatever I feel is holding me back, my chains, my problems. My soul feels lighter, which can only be good and things seem to be on the up!
BESIDES THE STUPID ROYAL MAIL JOB I DIDN’T GET!
So I went round Bangor looking for a we job to keep me going for a while. Then, with God help and much lessons learnt, I will be home for Christmas. So…what should I call my time here? Down Time? Reflection? Spiritual retreat? I shall use a Numinous lyric here to sum up what I feel is happening.

“I was black and white before you came, now I am burning with a brighter kind of flame.”

The clouds are looking a bit dodgy, but should I really be that surprised? It’s Bangor!! So I am feeling pretty positive about being here. My only worry is Sharon and Shelby – haha! Not ‘Shelby’, that’s a furby thing, I mean, Selby. Tut, it is the beach and all the shells. I presume Gods telling me to buy a Shelby.
The point was…I don’t want to put them out for too long. Well...I’ve just got frostbite so I’m heading back.

I realize now that the hurt I feel is my discipline. How often we complain when we feel disciplined by God, and never seem to credit him for the wound he heals. The wound is a lesson, we might not like it, but that’s how God works. We often attribute all our hurt towards God and forget he is the one we should attribute ALL aspects of our life, especially the good. For how do we learn if we don’t make mistakes and come out the other end better for it?

“We take the good days from God – why not the bad?” Job 2.10

Job 2.22 “You’ll shrug off disaster and famine and stroll fearlessly through/among wild animals.’

This is the challenging part. I have had my fair share of disaster (clearly not famine though) so it is a bit difficult to get a firm grip on the concept of this verse. I see it to be more of an example of God’s might, as there are many Christians that DO go through famine and disaster in other countries. I guess it is hard to gauge ‘disaster’ because people have different degrees of disaster. I mean, my sisters hair straighten-ers breaking would be a disaster. Whereas, the Tsunami and Asian earthquakes are ACTUAL disasters.

Why do we presume to tell God of his plan for us, rather than actually listening and being obedient? We are the ones muddying the water, ignorantly confusing the issue, second-guessing his purposes. Let us answer the questions and God ask them.

Tuesday 15th November

“Well, another Bangor beach day, just chilling and listening to God. Truly Amazing. I’ve really had my mind on Job the last few days – the book from the Bible, and the song by Cindy Morgan. Which I didn’t actually know was about Job until Glenn told me. There was a time earlier where I just stood in pure awe of God, the beach, the power of it all just overwhelmed me. It was truly amazing. I just hope God gives me peace to enjoy the world a whole lot more. As I just stood near the water, down at the beach, I just began to cry in pure happiness.

Nobody ever made me feel this way, I’m gonna stick with you. Nobody gonna love me better, I’m gonna stick with you.

There was class, amazing rainbow earlier and I could see exactly where it ended, I’ve never seen the end of one before. Despite the wind and cold, it’s another amazing day on Earth.

No one can see inside the love I’m trying to hide. Come closer to me.

I went up the beach and made a sign out of rocks saying –God *heart* You. Someone could stop by and be inspired, I get inspired by the most random things!

I know I have a place, here in Amazing Grace, forever safe, forever sound.

It’s amazing that we all have a reason to live. What is the meaning of life?? So many smart people ask that question, but for me – it’s simple. JESUS.
ZoeGirl’s – Reason to Live, is a cracking wee song, just perfect in helping to understand the reason for life and Jesus. They are a class band, very pop, very upbeat, pure loving life.

All I want to be seen, is the light of God shining on me.

I am just so excited, If I am completely amazingly in awe of our world, imagine heaven! Complete class, gold streets and unlimited Bountys!! Oh, the sun looks like it is coming out again. I’m going to try and play guitar soon.

One drop of blood from the whole in your hand is enough to make me stay.

Ok, in the time it took me to write that, the sun pure disappeared! Oh here comes the rain, I’ll be back soon!
*A bit later* I’m about one mile up the beach, about two hours later. The sand in this part is really nice and white. Sorry the writing is worse, it is cause my hands are freezing and numb. In the absence of writing, I’ve just had an even sweller time. All praise to God, today’s been class. My feet are wet, covered in sand, but I don’t care, because...I LOVE GOD.

*Even Later* Well, after I decide dot head back, I tried to shortcut the river. And of course I miscalculated the jump and landed right in the middle of it and near smashed my knee open. It’s kinda sore. Damn the stupid Beginners Guitar book, I cant even do the stupid chords!! But Damn Fiona even more for writing a song with a stupid C# and F# minors!”