Crying shards of glass...

In times like these when things are hectic and life is crazy, the is pure simplicity in the profound.

I'm finding life to be very simple at the minute. I'm either doing something right or something wrong. But that's okay. I'm not perfect. I'm just a simple northern-irish man after God's heart.

I'm feeling sentimental cause this time last year I was living with Glenn, had a job and was preparing for Christmas. This year I am a missionary, have no money, and live with a bunch of people from all over the world. Now I'm not saying I prefer the first situation...but it was definatly more 'cosy'. But this year I am inlove with Jesus more and more and he is becoming the best friend I could have ever wanted. This Christmas I will be in Africa, loving people and loving Jesus.

It has been a crazy year, and as this extravaganza of '2006' ends, I will be loving it. Am i crazy for trying? And crazy for crying? And crazy for loving you?

Sorry...listening to Patsy Cline.

Life is nothing I have expected it to be, but rather an intriguing surprise even to myself. We can never have control. Once we realise that, i think it is easier to give everything to God.

And I've treid and I've tried, but I haven't yet given everything. And the certainty is knowing that it is okay. God will gradually strip me of the tiny things that hold me back. Until then, I will continue living in the freedom I have, and loving the joy that i have found.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

I've got my memories...or have they got me...? (Me last december at a Numinous gig in Dublin....check out Andy Frame looking random. And my red haircolour.)

Why....?

So it happened. It was inevitable. Yet my heart was crushed all the same.

Sally was brutally stabbed in the 2006 season finale of Home and Away. Will she survive? I think yes. But they taunt us with this 'montage' of Sally's life at the end of the finale. Was that to say R.I.P? or to say Happy 18th Anniversairy'? No-one knows. Except the maker of Home and Away.

So...Sally and Brad finally got together. Only 10months after Flynns death, and only 4 months after knowing him. They shared a romantic kiss under the mistletoe and Sally exited to the parking lot to go get ready for their dinner. She was startled by Rocco, who was clearly upset. She tried to talk to him, but all he said was 'He gave me no choice..I'm sorry'. As he pulled Sally in. She gasped. The knife went in.

She fell.

Gasping.

Then slumped to the ground in the midst of Silent Night lyrics "Sleep in heavenly peace. Sleep in heavenly peace." Ironic.

Here is Sally as she was about to be stabbed -



and Sally momentarily after the stabbing -



To see this heart wrenching moment watch my video on my profile...

Will she survive? Who will find her? Who will avenge her?

I better start praying?

(Home and Away does not start back until January 2007) *sob*

Maybe it's nothing...maybe it's all just in my mind..

There are thirteen minutes until i give my heart to 'CAN'T SAY WHERE.'

No. Im not leaving. But i do have to do research.

Things are heating up and we have 10 days left. Oh my flipping word. And i need $3000. Let's see how Jesus provides for this one. Twelve minutes.

Yes...so Friday is our talent show. Kyak (my new name for Kyah) Maria and I are performing 'Downtown', from 'Girl Interrupted.' It should be fun! I also wrote a play called 'Jodi's Christmas Nightmare' and it has chereographed dance. Haha! I like to think of myself as multi-talented. Or at least 'multi-trying'. ten minutes.

I just watched two episodes of Home and Away. Kim and Rachel got married. And then that stupid ugly runt Lee came back for her baby. And she got it! Unfair! Seriously, i feel like praying for this situation, but I know it wouldn't help cause they aren't real. Maybe I could pray for the writers of the show...

And Sally...who's idea was it for her to flipping stabbed and left for dead??

That is Stoopid! I love Sally. It's like everything in my life is coming to an abrupt end. nine minutes. So I am going to 'Can't Say Where', Home and Away is going to be on a break, so I won't be able to find out who's dead until I get back.

eight minutes. I have been thinking of coming on full time staff here at L.A. It means i will be working full time with the Mission Adventures programme. Katherine says she already has plans for me...interesting. So i guess i am going to be doing the School Of Ministry Development in March. Here in L.A...that will last until Mission Adventures....then I will come on full time staff, and have to have regular supporters and stuff. That will be grown up for me.

Anyway..apparantly Kyah is getting married. I just don't know who to. I hope it goes better than Kim and Rachel's wedding. They lost their adoptive baby!

Seriously why? Why Lee, WHY?! five minutes...okay so here are a few pictures of how I am feeling...

Three minutes. (I wish this computer would hurry up.) Okay time is up now cause I've been waiting...



Finally...oh Sally...she looks afraid...Well done Home and Away...if you kill her...I will never watch again...(okay I so will...but idle threats are much needed.)

Must dash.

A Thanksgiving Tale

So...Thanksgiving was today!

I spent it with Katie's family up in Vacaville, North California, and i will be here for the next few days. It is such a lovely house and her parents and family are amazing people. Although her cat is soooo fat. Any we took LOADS of pictures but we'll get to that later.

We drove here yesterday from the base in L.A it took us from 1.15pm until 7pm so not really that long considering all the traffic. But the rdie was fun, especailly cause Rolf and Annie are here too. So we sang some Hollaback Girl..(all four of us, loud in our rental car) and enjoyed the smell of cow crap. Yum. Anyway...we stoped by a bull..(a fake one..) and i cut my toe open. ANnie just laughed. Like the Norwegian cold hearteed fiend she is. Katie's family also gave her her christmas presents cause she wasn't gonna be here. It was nice...I got a Starbucks gift card from them! Whoop!

SO I miss people...Kyle...Rachel..Dihanna...Leah...Addie...Mike...but I'll see them soon enough. But yeah...here is some pictures of this amazing day of thanks!

The Bull on the way there attacking me!



Me, Katie and our child...Bullface.



Katie , Me and Annie



Katie getting her photoshoot



Me doing my best pout!



The foreigners unite! (we even prayed in our own languages!)



Big family gathering!



Me going crazy on the turkey!



Me and Rolf!



Annie, Katie and Rick (Katie's dad)



Megan - Katie's sister



Me eating my first Yam!



My thanksgiving creation!



Too much turkey make Tony go cRaZy!



Katie at dinner!



Me at dinner!



Annie at dinner!



Rolf at dinner! (Smoking a carrot..)



Katie and Annie



Not ready for my close up



Definately not ready for my close up...



...neither was Annie...



However...Katie was...



Nice picture i set up..spot me in the background!



Katie and Me looking HOT



Katie in shock of my beauty...



Me in shock of hers...



Oh my flip...theres a camera!



Katies Little Mermaid Pressies!



Katie cries as she recieves her new laptop!



My stocking!

Where did the time go?

I really miss home. As it dawned on me that in two weeks I will be in Africa....i really miss home. My friends in particular. My friend Carly just celebrated her 20th birthday, and man, I wish i could have been there. If not for my own fun, then just to heighten it for others!

I remember the olden days when we weren't 20, but we were 18 and Gillian was having a fancy dress party and i went as a priest. Or when we were 15 and had to stay behind after school for drama. Or when we were 17 and had our formal. My life has literally been going so fast the last few years, just want to grab it and say 'Okay life, time to slow down!'. Woah. Wee Carly Young is 20..it's mad. My nephew is three this week! Amanda is 18! I've been a Christian for 2 years!

Time to slow down.

Gillian and I were in every single same class since nursery.
Carly and I had an onion fetish and invented Ragamuff.
Noreen and I. Well..i was inlove with her. Then fell out of love with her. Then we had a moment in Upper Sixth. It was the most intense 3 seconds of my life.

The Birthday Gurl and gang! (Carly, Laura, Noreen and Gillian.)



Noreen's new hair!



Carly hadn't quite adjusted to alcohol!



This picture actually defines Carly Young.



Noreen and Gillian showing me what I'm missin'!



Noreen , me and Jaclyn, 17 at the formal.



Carly Young (actually young) and Gillian :way back in the day.



Vicky, Gillian and Me at Gillians 18th.

Do you C Lemmons?

So this weekend was kinda tough. Well, for me and Addie at least. We just had ALOT going on.

Friday night was when everyone watched AFV. But i wasn't in it, cause I didn't go. But it was Basically the 'Kyah and Eivind' show anyway. So they put out ice-cream too, but Jodi was sneaky and put out lots of bowls of nuts, crushed oreos etc...so why was this sneeky? Cause in between all the goods was a bowl of MINCED MEAT. It didnt even look like meat though. So when i figured it out, i didn't say anything, i thought it would be funny if i could trick someone. So Marit came in and was all, 'Oh what is this stuff?' and i was like 'It's an oatmeal cookie thing.' She says, 'Yum!' and sticks aload of it on her ice-cream. I couldn't take it (the amazing-ness of my deception) and i turned around and walked to Jodi. Laughing of course. So a minute later we both hear this 'Eugh!!' and we turn to see Marit hunched over the bin/trash can, spitting her ice cream into there. Oh man...it was fun times. I also watched millions of Home and Away...at last!

Saturday saw alot of 'Team Can't Say Where' prep. Like learning dramas and skits and clowns etc. But i wasn't in either so i had some time to kill. Except in the morning i was on breakfast prep, which was kinda fun, cause we had Jodi, and Maria was there cause she had a work duty. So it was easy. Then i had to cover Alan's work duty cause he slept in. Tut tut. Anyway - while people where training i had to do some research. So it was kinda easy. Then I had dinner prep. It was hard but fun. We made fries, chicken popcorn and pizza and Addie said this amazing thing, 'If anyone says "Oh my gawsh, this pizza is BURNED!"...it was really funny! So...we were listening to Shake It OFf by Mariah Carey, and Addie was telling me how it is her theme song for a certain relationship she had. And she was quoting the song about the guy and she said, 'You keep on playing games like you know I'm here to stay'. But she was like 'He kept on playing games like he knew i was there to stay,' It was hilarious! We also added a new inside joke called, 'DONT CHANGE MY MUSIC!'..yes Eyd that means you...we love her though. But she walked in and said, 'I don't like this song..' changed it, then walked out and i didn't see her for like an hour.

Last night we watched Pirates of the Caribbean. Oh my word...it's my favourite movie. (of last night.) Then this morning I got to lie in cause i didnt have any prep to do, cause Alan had to do everything...even though i just found out he went to bed instead! Then today we learnt a new drama for 'Team Cant Say Where'. I am the partier, and I smoke weed and do a line of coke and throw up over Addies shoes. It is fun. Then we had dinner prep and EVERYONE was complaining, cause we decided to do breakfast for dinner. Haha! So we made fresh pancakes and muffins and french toast and tater tots. Yum. And we had bananas and ice cream too. Then i kept my apron on at dinner, so people would know i made it, so they wouldnt say anything like 'ugh i hate breakfast dinner.' I was just protecting my heart. Poor Addie didn't wear an apron, therefor her heart was vulnerable to attacks from our DTS. *sob* I also have to give a shout out to His Royal Masterchef Kyle. He has worked in SO many kitchens. He knows how to make pancakes (both fat and thin)...and how to make a mess doing it...thank you for helping us! (no really thanks. we would never have managed without you)...

Then after dinner I came to the computer lab and I've been here ever since. I leave in three days for Sacramento / San Fran, I'm extremly excited! Thanksgiving in America!

People always ask me, 'Don't you have Thanksgiving in Ireland?'..and I'm like 'Well...no cause we don't have native Americans..' DUH.

'Can't you just take a compliment?' Madame Addie C. Lemmons...(here is a poem i wrote about Addie to win an iPOD....i SO ddin't win. :(


'Simply Lemmons'

'Addie.
As blonde hair falls over your shoulders,
You simply become.
You simply be.
You inspire.

You are beauty incarnate.
You are love.
You are life.
You are everything' - By Anthony William Webster. (On www.poetry.com)

Thank You Sandra!

So Moses thinks I blog too much. Well if you ask me, I think he needs a good old blogging. So Moses..here is a blog for you.

Moses....hmm...i met him in May when he was working for a store and would be awake all hours of the nights, and the first few times i met him i totally though he hated me...Then he brought his playstation over and things were looking up. (although i think it was his grandma's playstation..)

So then we staffed MA together and that was an experience in a half. Seriously the guy is extremely gifted when it comes to people. Everyone loved him...and rightly so...I have only come into my love for Mo recently, but it is extremly sweet, cause it has been cool to look over the summer and discover a new depth of like and love for this incredible man of God. I am so privledged he is my authority! He is learning...he is genuine...he is coming into a a new sphere (excuse the use of this weeks lecture material!) and I absolutly adore the man, he deserves so much respect for doing the job he does..all i have to say now i s...Hmmm...Papa!

Well...this afternoon when i was 'helping' Kyah with work duties, we got to see Hope Floats. And it made me realise a few things...when people ask me..'Who is your favourite actress?' I can say 'Sandra Bullock.' I love her. So much. Not in an idolatry way though! And if it is i totally repent!

So...she said something rather profound that i have to share...it is extremly encouraging and God has blessed me through this!

''Beginnings are scary. Endings are usually sad. It's the middle that counts the most. Try to remember that when you find yourself at a new beginning. Just give hope a chance to float up. And it will.''

Woah. Profound. Actually. It makes a lot of sense. Thank you Sandra B.

Maybe this time...I'll be lucky...

So after pondering my latest blog...i wondered what it would be that would perk up my mood. And i realised that maybe my mood is not gonna change so soon. It's not so much a mood like a thirteen year old girl mood, but a kind of 'atmosphere'. I think this whole Lilly thing has really made me question alot of things, about myself, God and YWAM. In some ways i am so grateful to have the oppertunity to form my own answers.

So I might be going home for Thanksgiving. AGAIN. Well...we will see what happens, I have to speak to my friend Jack about it.

Outreach is approaching fast and I hope to have internally answered all my questions before then.

Now I know what you are thinking, 'Tony, NO! These questions are from Satan!?!' But seriously they aren't. I definatly think i'm raising some issues i was afriad to raise, so it will bne nice to kind of evaluate everything i thought and either enter into new thoughts or leave the mission...we'll see what happens...just be praying for me.

Maybe this time...

I really love Connie and Carla - it has to be like the gayest movie ever. But still i find it alot of fun. Me, Noreen and Jaclyn saw it in the theatre when it came out. And then me and my sister watched it a bunch of times at home. And then one night when i was living with Glenn Woodward, it was on the movie channel really late, and i just stayed up and watched it and loved it. It's a remake of Some like It Hot. Where these girls (connie and carla) witness a murder so they go into hiding and in order to hide they become drag queens! So its women pretending to be men, pretending to be women! It is hilarious! Well..drop me some pearls of wisdom or even tell me what your favourite movie is?

Asian...everywhere...

long time since i last blogged.

Woah...that sounds totally asian. I actually wrote 'It has been,' at the start but i didn't come out...

Anyway the last few weeks have seen some amazing things happen..I shall bulletpoint them for you.

*I roadtripped to Colorado through California, Nevada, Arizona, Utah and Colorado.
*We had a four day amazing conference and worship time 8000ft in Estes Park on a mountain.
*God revealed alot of things about my future to me.
*I met a new amazing friend called Eric. My ministry partner and English speaking extraordinaire.
*I had a really tough week making some decisions on whether or not i was gonna do something...omninous...i know.

This week was sweet though! Kenny Peavy asked me to play keys for him at the New Wave conference (which in YWAM, thats a big deal - actually outside YWAM it's a big deal too!) so i have been the last five nights. I have been able to hear our founder of the mission, Loren Cunningham everynight, and on Saturday we had our Open Base day and he was here again. Our base needs 75,000 to get some projects started and we had a small offering and got 76,000! It was sweet...Also...we got to see the Performance DTS from Kona , Hawaii. And i should mention the fact that they are ABSOLUTLY CRACKING! Seriously...they had old korean dance, ballet, hip hop (like immense hip hop) singing, acting and everything combined to make a performance of 'The Prodigal Son'. I was so impressed i want to staff one of those DTS now to be in it!

I had the priveledge to get to know some of the amazing people in the DTS. Danielle, Tammy, Jess, Maria, Danny...and many others whose name i didn't get. But i was playing piano for thousands of people in all! Seriously an honor. I am really learning my heart for worship, which i kind of felt this summer. But this week has really expanded it. So...the purpose of this conference? The raise up American/Asians into ministry, because now is the time when God is calling them to make a change. They have two cultures and twice the responsibility. Those guys are so passionate and dedicated, i see the American Asians (specifically American Koreans) as the next set of world heroes! it will be exciting to see what God will use them to do!

So I'm feeling called, definately into YWAM, but also to China. It just gets confirmed MORE and MORE. Also...my sister is having another baby boy! What the heck! God revealed to me her pregnancy...CHECK. God told me it was a girl....NOT CHECK...what was going on!!!??? So God was like, 'Tony...there will be A girl...i didn't say this one was gonna be a girl.' And I'm like...'Ahh...okay....so more babies?' And i can't really tell her cause she'll feel all under pressure to reproduce! tut tut...well...to close this off...i shall promise to blog more...and theres only like 26 days untili enter the land of 'not allowed to say where'...BUT YOU KNOW...if you don't, you can message me and I'll tell you...but for now...get writing me christmas cards, cause i need them for 1st December!

Lots of love.....

Tony.

P.S I also want to take this oppertunity to honour Kyah Feldes. She IS from the fields. And i do love her so. She is so unique, in her own strange 'Winona Ryder-ish' way. I thank god for bringing her into my life. FOr brightening up my heart..for making me smile whenever i HATE BEING CRUSHED IN THE VAN!

Heres me and Kyah not looking our best (I'm sorry Kyah but seriously we look rough..although we had travelled for some time.)



Eivind and Kyah doing dramatic hair poses in Colorado!



80's day at the base!



The Travel posse! Day one! (about 20minutes into the 20hours ride and i hated it!)



Team 'CAN'T SAY WHERE'



My DTS Girls! Playazz!



Our Beautiful open day...I look so constipated!