Charlotte Ivy love

some new work I did as gift for a friend.

Chaigh Me Abaile (I went home)

Well friends,


as most of you know I am back in Ireland. Northern Ireland to be precise. If you're into the whole, being accurate thing.
Well, I have been back for almost 2 weeks now, and it's been a pretty packed few weeks so far. I have been busy sorting things out with M.E people for treatment, or alternatives, and am seeing a natural kineisioligist for herbal treatments. I have had no chest pain at all recently, and after hearing that so many people were praying for me, I am hoping that God has healed that!


I have been praying about my return to Kyrgyzstan, and have my ticket already. I bought it as a return in my anticipation of healing. A step of faith.


Home is hard because I can't work, so therefore I am completly broke, especially after riasing so much money to get home in the first place. That is the hard aspect, i am looking at needing a budget of at least 100 pound a month in order to get back and forward etc. I am going to Exeter in November for a few down days with a good friend and to attempt to see the new Elim offices, of which i am now officially a missionary! Exciting, and fantastic to have their backing and love and care as they endeavor to work out treatment for me too.


I havent been sleeping still, and am continually exhausted, except at nights when I seem to get a wind of energy. Seeing my friends has been fun, and I seem to be able to draw some energy from them, as weird as that sounds. I haven't seen lots of my family, my mum and dad are both working, but i've enjoyed seeing my nephews and my sister Kelly. Although i won't see my other sister Amanda until I go to London.


My church are helping me go to London to go to a clinic and get a thorough check up, etc. It is very very nice and them and a real blessing to me.


As I am home I will also be speaking in two schools about creative arts, specifically drama, the work I do in kyrgyzstan, as well as working on the documentary i am making on Afghanistan. I will also be seeing family, friends, resting resting resting, which is hard for me because I get bored..but I am doing my best at learning to sit down..ha.


This week was my birthday and my friends were great, they took me out, bought me lunches, dinners, had a party for me, really looked after me and made me feel normal...which was lovely.


If you are interested in helping me while Im at home, whether it be through prayer, or an encouraging word, or even financially, please get in touch and let me know. Obviously I am not in a position to get a job (which would defeat the whole purpose of this trip!) but my budget looks like this


NO RENT, NO FOOD COSTS, only transport and misc which comes to 3.50 bus ticket x 5 (per week) 17.50 per week = 70 per month. Clothes, which are much needed after Kyrgyzstan wear and tear on my other ones..! Ive compiled a list of clothes I want to buy, 5 new tshirts, socks, underwear, trousers, light jacket (my intention is to replace my whole wardrobe which i havent done in about 5 years!) about 100.


Anyway if you can contribute one time, you can email and say, Tony, i'd like to buy you some pants, or some shoes, etc. please let me know and we can go from there. All my love,

Got muh nose peerst

So i did it. at last.

So, I finally have some answers.

Maybe you are wondering why you got an email from me, well, it's because I have to share some news. As most of you know the past few months has seen me take on a new leadership role (twice the work, half the time!), battle mouth problems cause by a viral infection in my gums, head to Afghanistan hiking for hundreds of miles, discover that I have a hole in my heart that is getting bigger and now something new.

Today I visited the doctor in an attempt to see if my heart was getting any better. We discovered something that has proved to be the root of most of the ailments and symptoms I've been showing over the past 5 months since my return to Kyrgyzstan.

On telling my doctor that this week I've been having some problems with clarity and my memory, as well as some emotional episodes, he asked me a few questions. Things I've been doing, activities, status of my mind and then told he thought he knew the cause, and AHA, it all now made sense to him.

He told me that I have Myalgic Encephalopathy, He told me he would be sure I had this if I had

1. Mental and physical exhaustion (unrelieved by rest) with at least four of the following symptoms - -muscle weakness, hyper sensitivity, orthostatic intolerance (sitting in one place, or upright), cognitive dysfunction, digestive disturbances, depression or emotional episodes, poor immune response, cardiac and respiratory problems, impaired memory or concentration, headaches, sore throat, insomnia or unrefreshing sleep.

out of the above list, ONLY 4 would classify me and diagnose me as CFS. I have displayed to my doctor, 10 of the above. TEN.

He then told me, there is no official cause or knowledge on this disease, as well as treatments. However, studies have shown that it can begin from 2 different things, after a viral infection (which I had in my gums) and I will quote 'symptoms will begin to show within a few months of severe adverse stress.' Which somes up this last year for me pretty perfectly. The Viral infection is what effects the brain, and encephalopathy means a brain disorder caused by multiple illnesses.

So what do I do now? Well, it's not all the deal to do with exhaustion, because of that I am experiencing 10 other problems in my body including a hole in the heart. But I am not getting rest, or even sleeping. It' s not that I'm staying up late, or getting up to early, it's that when I do go to bed I can't even sleep. My boss agreed with me that this Afghanistan trip was the real turning point in fully exhausting to me. I don't know where to go from here. I am in talks with my boss to get their advice. I dont want to leave kyrgyzstan, but i could do with a down period, and to really focus on my health for a few months. I don't know. YET.

There are soem treatment possibilities because of the psychological aspects of this disease. Cognitive behavioural therapy, Graded exercise therapy and Pacing. (which is like energy management.) The recovery rates I researched were as follows, 40% of people see an improvement, 5% of people fully recover, and thats 5% of 4 in every 1000 people who have this.

So, I have been reading the book of Daniel recently (you know the guy who gets thrown into the lions den) and I feel like I am relating in different ways. I have been thrown into the den, and Im not too sure what condition I will be in when the king comes to check on me. Will I be mauled and destroyed? Or will the King find me playing with the big cats in complete safety? Either way, without faith, I wont know which. Im hoping the latter. I will keep you all updated. I have a check up in one month to re-evaluate the situation, until then i have some medication for my muscle weakness, for my heart and for my arthritis.

The Lord is so much bigger than me. At least thats a comfort! xx

Fight for This Love

Last night as I read through some harmless celebrity news on the internet (heatworld.com) I came across Cheryl Cole of Girls Aloud fame and her new single Fight For This Love, which is released October 19th on Polydor Records. Initially my love for Girls Aloud made me a little reluctant. usually, their solo stuff is never that good, and I mean that about any ensemble, however Girls Aloud do have some talented singers who CAN sing live (as they proved when they were chosen on television, and subsequently in each concert where they sing live). 

 Upon hearing the song for the first time, my thought was, 'Hmm. I like it. It actually doesn't sound so LIVE, or that much like Cheryl, but it is catchy and a great wee tune.'

 Then today as I put it on repeat (as I like to do with new songs so I can get to know them) I began listening to the words and learning much more than I imagined. As you most likely know, I love listening to music, all genres, but I do have a soft spot for mainstream pop. I just do! I also feel like it is one of the ways God speaks to me. I find wisdom in the secular. I feel like I have an ability to find the good in something, a natural optimist maybe? Who knows. I just see God where people just see, not-God. 

 The sacred in the secular. It's all sacred really.

You mightn't want to hear, but here are my thoughts on the lyrics to this song.

Too much of anything can make you sick

Even the good can be a curse

Makes it hard to know which road to go down

Knowing too much can get you hurt

Do you ever feel like it's all a little bit too much? The point where you are at a crossroads and you can't see the possible outcome of good in any given situation? Knowing too much CAN get you hurt, but isn't it better to feel something than to feel nothing? When can the good be a curse? Personally, it can SEEM like a curse, but its not. It's the thorn in your side. For me..my health, the hole in the heart, the mouth issues. Seems a bit much yeah? 

Is it better is it worse are we sitting in reverse 

Its just like we're going backwards (backwards)

I know where I want this to go

We're driving fast but lets go slow

What I dont want to do is crash no

If you aren't going forward with God, you're not staying still. There is no staying still, just forward or backward. Hmm, going too fast, getting in too deep without a solid foundation. That's what happened to me then it all became too much and I crashed. I tried to commit suicide. That was almost 4 years ago. I know now where I want this to go, and I am willing to go slow. That was a big turning point for me...that's when I realised, 'I gotta fight for this love.'

Just know you're not in this thing alone

There's always a place in me that you can call home

Whenever you feel like we're growing apart

Let´s just go backto the start

Those words are pure magic. Totally relatable to a relationship with God. I'm NOT in this thing alone, there IS a place I can call home. When I feel like falling apart...? I remember the simple things. Even those simple yet amazing words of childrens songs 'Jesus loves me this I know, for the bible tells me so.'

Anything that´s worth having

Is sure enough worth fighting for

Quit is out of the question

We make a stop gotta fight some more

We gotta fight fight fight fight fight for this love

We gotta fight fight fight fight fight for this love

We gotta fight fight fight fight fight for this love

Its worth having its worth fighting for 

Fight for what you believe in yeah? Fight for what's important? Don't quit, thats what the enemy wants. Don't give up. Persevere. If it's worth having it's worth fighting for. See how many times she says fight? What a great emphasis, fight, fight, fight, fight. It's not a one time fight and then you're done. It's a constant thing. 

Now everyday aint gon' be no picnic

Love aint no walk in the park

All you can do is make the best of it yeah

Can't be afraid of the dark

This is also true. It isn't easy. No walk in the park that's for sure. One thing I do know is that when you do make the best of it, it's worth fighting for. Sometimes it mightn't seem like it. But it is. You just got to ask yourself, is it worth fighting for? Fight for that love, because it's fighting for you.

T.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h1b1YGIedsk

Part of Your World!

Well, as I wrap up my life for the next month here in Bishkek, as I travel through Tajikistan and then into Afghanistan, I've been tidying my room, packing my bags, getting things I need, and doing it all to music.

One song then came on that made me smile like a big girl. 

Part Of Your World from The Little Mermaid. I was just listening to it and thinking of certain parts that really amaze me. Then I had to stick on the dvd and see these parts.

'I just don't see how a world that makes such wonderful things could be bad' - What wonderful childlike naivety. I sometimes think is it only Ariel's inexperience with our world that made her think this, or did she really just see the good in everything? Either way, it prompted my mind to go to Good mode. Let's try and see the good in things. She sings about how she wants more, that what she would give to have feet instead of fins. It reminds me sometimes of my own desire for more, where I am at not being good enough, I want more, more, more.

Look at this stuff, isn't it neat? A big pile of junk, our everyday things that Ariel finds wonder in. Ha, it made me think - i don't appreciate what I have. Ariel even says, its not all this stuff that I want, its not gathering objects, but who cares, no big deal, i want more.

I wanna be where the people are, I wanna see, wanna see them dancing. How disappointed I imagine she would be if she came to our world now. People don't seem to have that sense of frivolous fun anymore. Dancing. I love dancing.

Ariel wants to be among people, to know what they know, to FEEL what they feel, if if that is about fire, and how it burns. Burn. The sheer experience of it is amazing to her. She is so fascinated by the things we see everyday, the things we think are negative. She has a sense of wonder at the world that I really want.

Starting tomorrow, I'm off to get it. :)

T.