Pancake Lovers

Pancake Tuesday


The day after normal Monday when we eat Pancakes. How exciting eh? I guess the whole point is meant to be to eat your fill of the forbidden Lent foods such as butter, eggs, and flour.


So do any of you partake in Lent? And if so, what are you giving up? For many it's just become this religious idea that you give something up because its good for you. Maybe you'll give up sugar, or maybe you won't drink for 40 days (until Easter Sunday). Last year my friend Noreen had a really good idea to take on something for Lent, she wanted to put on weight - i thought this was one of the best ideas I'd seen. Lent has become this fashionable diet time for people with religious morals, but Noreen was being completely the opposite and tried to put on weight, because she saw the benefit to her. 


I would encourage any of you doing Lent to do it for the right reason and not just for a detox, or some sort of quick weight loss thing. Lent is a time of repentance, of remembering what Jesus went through in the desert, the temptation he faced before entering Jerusalem and being led to his death. 


Today I was drowning my sorrows in pancake batter, as yesterday I came so close to being at the Brit Awards, thanks to a great friend of mine. But at the last minutes flights were tripling, and the two friends coming with me could just not afford to do it on our own heads. I did however get an awesome outfit out of it! Liz, Uli and I made pancakes (well I made them and they ate them) and we hung out and listened to our favourite Brit nominee, Cheryl Cole. Haha. We then proceeded to just slum hanging out together and using our computers like a big depressed computer store. 


Tonight we are gonna dress up and watch the Brit Awards online. I'm not even sure if I want to, I just want to see the performances really. Tomorrow is Ash Wednesday, the day when we wear ashes on our forehead to show our repentance in the beginning of Lent. I am not gonna have ashes that are blessed by a priest, so many will think that my ashes don't count. But they will - it is also a good reminder that our of the ashes we came, and into the ashes we will go.


For Lent I had many ideas: to not speak for 40days, or to not spend any money, or keep my eyes closed for 40 days. I am not sure, i would like to do something that would benefit someone else. Upon my return to Herrnhut I will be doing something with Pick A Pocket called '30 Days' were, for 30 days I will not buy any food, but rely on others in an attempt to begin to understand extreme poverty in this area.


So, what are you giving up for Lent and why?

The next Big Step

Spending time in Germany has been just the most refreshing thing. There has been something oddly exciting about being here from the moment I arrived right up until this point. Something just happened. I clicked. 

 I have been fasting and praying about spending some time here - and God has been speaking great things. The last year I went through a lot of things, some good, some bad, mostly new, a little stressful, good relationships, growing relationships, it has all been a bit hectic. I feel like I have been incredibly lucky to have had God strip me of all that in this season, and now it's just me looking for God's hand of guidance.

I have been spending time here getting to know people, and being extremely flattered by the amount of people that ask me to stay. It is just such a welcoming environment. I've made some really good friends so far, began new and exciting, healthy relationships. I feel like this place has been the open arms I've been looking for. 

At the base here in Herrnhut, Germany - they have a huge focus on creative arts, and discipleship. Both things I am entirely passionate about. There is a ministry here called Pick-A-Pocket (www.pickapocket.net) that use the arts, discipleship as a tool to reach the lost, and with the main goal of ending extreme poverty. They have great values and goals, and I was instantly attracted to this. Combining all the things I love, to minister to others, seems pretty perfect. It is also a new avenue to work The Exodus Project into (TExPro goal of setting people free from their bondage using the arts) and feeds directly into the mission statement God gave me to inspire and encourage people use the arts to see freedom. So I don't give up anything that God has asked, it's just taking an exciting turn!

After having fasted and prayed, and had the 4 leaders of this ministry pray about my involvement, I am delighted to announce that I am going to be staying here in Germany for the foreseeable future and be working with Pick A Pocket with YWAM Herrnhut. There are an amazing group of people here that I have been spending time with, so it is a huge blessing to feel instantly part of a community. There seems to be something...settling about this place. One of the words the leaders got when praying for me was that they felt that everything else I've done, (creative arts in the world, as well as experience in the field) was a stepping stone leading to this place. There's such a huge peace I have about this decision. It has been one that has been prayed through and lots of thought went into. 

I was going to stay in ireland and work for one year, but then this open door appeared to visit my friends in Germany, which led to another open door, and another and I felt God nudging me through them. He has painted this new season in my life in a way I never expected. I never expected to be back on a YWAM base, or in Europe, but there is something amazing about what God is doing. I am praying through what my role will be in Pick-A-Pocket right now, but there is something EXCITING HAPPENING! So praise GOD! I get to stay involved in missions, be a bit closer to home than normal and work with young people, teach dance, drama, music, be involved in a community, disciple, reach the lost on outreaches - what a blast! One of the things the base leader has talked to me about is going back to where we went in Afghanistan, and going up to the Kyrgyz people, which would be fantastic follow up on the work we did there, I will keep you guys updated on that!

In September we start the Marriage of The Arts DTS (which is a mega DTS combining all the art forms) and they are expecting 150 students. The outreaches will be geared towards the goals of Pick A Pocket - meaning that I will be staffing DTS this year also. Not what I expected. God is so good. 

So, I know what you're thinking - what? where? I spent the last year and a half in Kyrgyzstan, before that a stint in Ireland, and before that a few years in L.A - now I am in Germany. It seems like I get about a lot (only by the grace of God) but I wanted to thank you for all the support you've given me so far - I am looking forward to writing more of these ha, and updating you on what God is doing here in Germany and overseas! This is a 2 year commitment I am making to this base.

Living here is going to be less expensive than I would have thought! Each month rent will be about 150-250 dollars (about 100pound)  and food/transport/misc will be about another 150-250 dollars. I am going to living here in the town and will walk to the base each day through this amazing forest. It is really cool, I will send more pictures soon! As I am going to be living here for the next few years, I am asking your help once again in keeping me on the field. I have about 150dollars a month, and now just need the rest! Isn't God a great, loving and providing God? Would you pray about supporting me as I work here in Germany with students in the DTS and with Pick A Pocket? I am looking for people to take on small donations of $10, $20, $30 (5,10,15 pound) or more per month so that I could build a good support network under me for the next few years. Thank you for considering this, and I will be in touch with you soon to hear what you think! There are easy ways to do this, Paypal being the easiest, - you can simply click this link for a secure payment, or you can use your account also to set it up and send donations to support4tony@gmail.com. My initial set up costs is a flight to Germany on Ryanair, which is super cheap! (31 Euros, but I only have 9)

https://www.paypal.com/cgi-bin/webscr?cmd=_s-xclick&hosted_button_id=YXMRWYQGCHCAN thats for USD

and https://www.paypal.com/cgi-bin/webscr?cmd=_s-xclick&hosted_button_id=DP82G4KHFZNPN for Pounds.

Thank you guys! You must get annoyed at the ammount I ask for your help, but God is faithful and has called me to live this life of support.

Please continue to pray for me as I endeavour to raise this monthly support. I have been so blessed and lucky over the last 4 years to see God use all of you in one way or another to support me, but now, as I settle down a bit more - it would be really nice to set up a monthly support base. 

I have been listening to a lot of Pink recently, her new album, fuelled by her divorce, is very well written and not as angry as I thought it would be, it's more sad than anything else, but with a glimmer of hope. Really good - check it out, it's called FUNHOUSE.

Cracks in my crystal ball

It has been a while since I sat and listened to a great song, and just cried. I've been needing that - for a long time. So, here I am at 4.44a.m, with tears in my eyes, music playing in my ears, and realising a really sad truth. I am not who I want to be. I think I've been a version of the person I've wanted to be, the person I present myself to be is not me. That's my Tony shaped shell, and I just want it to be filled so much with whatever my concept of something bigger is. Is that God?


I've been listening to Pink (Alicia Moore) a lot recently, and I just feel like the album she recently wrote has a lot of great songs that seem to relate to me. She wrote this album after breaking up with her husband and it is full of great material. Material that is drawing on pain, anger, loss, love - it's the divorce talking. I feel like I relate because in the last year I allowed myself to go through a divorce - a divorce from myself.


                   I am really lost. Has my faith been taught to me? Or is it really mine?


I lost all of who I am in stress, worry, anger, bitterness, unforgiveness, bad relationships, sickness, alcohol, yet painted on a face and continued in ministry, worked hard, and harder and it was never enough I wasn't full, i wasn't  happy, not like I had been. I recently thought that a year away from the ministry I was working with would help to clear all that up, but instead I was surprised to see that God has been dealing with me in less than a month. When I came here to Germany I wanted to put a good face on for my friends I was coming to see. I couldn't do that with Simon, and to an extent with my new friend Liz, with whom I just clicked. I couldn't help but be honest about my shortcomings and my desire for more. How my heart actually really hurts for the lost. How I could never see a life with a job as something that appeals to me because I know my heart has been burdened for the lost. You can throw whatever excuse you want at it, but there was no way that after really evaluating what God is speaking to me that I could return home and work when God has given me a vision to fight for those without a voice, and to use the arts to do it. To inspire, to set people free in Jesus name. There are a few different things God has been speaking.


I, for one, cannot justify going home if it's not what God is calling me to do, and I need to stop making apologies and trying to justify to people why. I am accountable to no-one but God when it comes to the big stuff, and the people I've tried to let in, whether they see that or not, can't seem to get behind me. Thank you for those of you who do. I also need to be developing my own skills and talents and working on my dance, drama, and music in an environment that I will flourish and grow. Kyrgyzstan was not that for me anymore, and I can admit as much as anyone that things were not perfect there, but I tried my absolute best, I loved on the students, I saw their lives change and I can only wish the remaining people there luck and success. There are now a lot more people working in the Greenhouse, so it's no doubt in good hands.


I also, from these few songs will share openly with you a few things. Pink sings, 'No, I don't believe you, when you say don't come around here no more.' I feel like this is what my flesh has been trying to communicate to God, I feel like I've been telling him not to come around here anymore, and that is his response. 'No, I don't believe you.' Thank you Lord for believing in me....more than anyone else.


'Oh, I've had my chances and I've taken them all. Just to end up right back here on the floor.' This is how you can easily feel after chance, after chance, and then mistake and mistake. I've learnt with God, if you really want, he'll always give you another chance. Tonight I have been on the floor after a long, rough day. Another thing she says, and puts so amazingly, 'I'm learning to be brave in my beautiful mistakes. Oh I've felt that fire and I've been burned but I wouldn't trade the pain for what I've learned.' No explanation needed other than I have no regrets. I wouldn't trade the pain for what I've learned. I was watching something the other day and heard this amazing quote about pain. 'You can't outrun pain. It is something that needs to be faced head on, it's the only way through it. Trying to run away from it won't work. I'm gonna allow myself to cry when i need to, to be angry to feel the pain, it's the only way through it. Experience the highs, the lows, get salt water into your wounds. If only to remind yourself that even though things may be bad, you're still here, you're still alive.' 


I'm gonna run into the ocean with my open wounds and get salt water into them - if only to remind myself that I am alive.


Alive and in the company of good people. Irish, Satori, Simon, Sarah, Keith, Jolisa, Katie Suderman (Mindy 2) - to name but a few of the awesome people I now get to hang out with. Not to mention all the Pick A Pocket people.


























These are some girls I've been teaching dance to.

Spechken zee duetch?

Hello guys!

I'm in Germany until Feb 23...as of now! Having such a good time, inspired, refreshed, passionate about young people and missions - a nice change from the last year had for me. Loving it.

God is speaking and doing good things. Had a great weekend, taught lots of good dancing, playing piano for worship tomorrow, had a donor kebab, some sprite, Simon came back, but I did loose my camera in all the craziness (pray it shows up!) but I did get a potential new supporter which is always nice and appreciated.

Germany is on the verge of becoming my new home, doors are opening, things are happening and God is just..wow...is all I can really say. I've spent some good time praying and figuring things out, Ireland and work seemed the option that was needed to recuperate for the year, but I came here and found myself refreshed, re-energised, passionate, in the company of a community that serves the community a church should be giving, its amazing. I am so encouraged and excited excited excited that a year of rest and recuperation doesnt mean a year away from missions YES! I get to keep doing what I love, teach dance, drama, music and be in great relationship with people! How much fun!

I love Germany!

T.

The Future!

I decided, while I waited on responses from the many, many (over 20) job application forms I submitted (none of which came with a successful interview) to go visit the YWAM base in Herrnhut Germany, where my friends Simon and Sarah where staffing DTS (the one I was going to staff earlier this year, remember?) as I had met them in Afghanistan and they really wanted to see me, and blessed me by paying for the ticket. I really didn't know what God had in store for me there. I thought just fun. 

The last year left me feeling a bit...empty. A bit...alone. Passionless, not really knowing what I was doing and why it seemed to be so worthless to those I was doing it with. In short, I was burnt out, and missing real community. My answer to that was to really use the next year to find myself again - my friend Carly even mentioned to me that she was worried, I was not happy anymore, and she just wanted to see the old me again. To have one of my best friends say this to me, was a slap in the face, a wake-up call. Had I been so overtaken with the spiritual hardness of Kyrgyzstan that I was even projecting my unhappiness to my friends? They noticed a visible difference and it worried them. Carly knew it was something so much more deeper than medical, and I thank God that he used her to help me realise this. So my answer had been what seemed right, not necessarily prayed about, but logistical and made sense in so many ways, go home, work, get back to normal before going back. I had discussed this with Chris Jones and Elim Missions, and it seemed plausible, the best option.

So, here I go off to Germany. I prayed God would use this time to teach me something, have it be something so much more just visiting friends. I was excited to see Simon and Sarah, and the DTS students that could have been, ha. It was 2 weeks into the DTS and Simon had been talking me up, so I arrived to a cool reputation, not one necessarily deserved, but nice all the same. When getting to the base (after a nice long train ride from Berlin and hanging out with my friend Sarah at a nice little Italian restaurant that was dirt cheap) there was something waiting for me. 

Healing.

God had healed my physical heart a few months ago, and now it was time for the spiritual heart. Hanging out with Simon and Sarah, talking to DTS students, seeing them interact, being part of lectures, playing in the worship band, being part of communal living, surrounded by people with a love for the lost, to use the arts as a voice, and committed to discipling a younger generation all had its effect on me. My friends always laugh and joke about how I can't stay home, how I'm not really meant to be there except to visit. The idea of a year was scary indeed. But it seemed the only way - until now. I spent the last few nights with students, hanging out, sharing testimony, getting to know people and most of all, seeing them excited to learn new forms of art (this is a photography DTS and they are all super artistic and hungry for more) so I began teaching dance, and the response has been amazing. People seem too easily impressed by my Cheryl Cole 'Fight For This Love' routine. Haha. I've gotten pretty close to a few students in the last week, and just how God is moving is incredible. 

I have seen such a change in my own heart as I've surrounded myself with like minded people, arts and spiritual wise. I am feeling refreshed, passionate about the arts again, about discipling, healed in the area of my heart being broken by bad relationships - in short, I feel like i've found the parts of me I thought would be so hard to regain. I almost feel like a new person. Staff ave been talking to me about projects they are involved in using arts that they would really like me to be a part of, such as teaching dance, drama, music etc, creating performances for outreaches etc. (one of them is in Budapest in March)...theres something going on in my heart, but I am not stupid enough to say YES! I am writing this because I am asking for your prayers. Working with YWAM here has many benefits, including the time, space and resources to advance in my gifting in the arts, discipleship for me as well as being able to disciple others, surrounded by a community of believers with one common goal, to know god and to make god known (in many ways, the calling of the church)...rather than an environment i may face in ireland, which right now looks like unemployment ( i dont qualify for benefits until 6 months at home), trying to find some sort of church-ish type community, and the other pressures that come with it. Here is another thing, after living as a missionary, I feel like a transition back to the 'mundane' the ordinary so to speak, is hard - i feel God has ruined me, if I am not being effective for his kingdom, then what am I doing? Those are some of my thoughts. I look at things like, which is gonna be more fruitful and advance the kingdom.

I need you to pray for me. I am staying here until Feb 23rd to get to know some people, make contacts, build relationships and pray for direction. By then I should have an answer about this budapest outreach as well as where I am going from here. YWAM have been super nice in inviting me to staff and making it clear there is a place for my gifting on their staff, and the cool benefit being that it's only a 2 hour cheap flight from home. So if in any case medical issues came up, that would be no problem. There is also no pesky visa fees, or anything like that to worry about. I am trying to reach this decision regardless of finances, God has always provided and always will. I just want a clear from him answer. I can answer from me what i want, but that is not what is important. His will is better than mine. This is for sure a pleasant and welcome development....but like i said, could you please pray for me? It means I would still be support based and relying on God, but with it being in the EU, i could also work. Okay I'm gonna stop giving you all my reasons FOR this and be impartial and ask your prayers for guidance and wisdom.

Please email me back with any insight you have, 

lots of love

Charlotte Ivy love

some new work I did as gift for a friend.

Chaigh Me Abaile (I went home)

Well friends,


as most of you know I am back in Ireland. Northern Ireland to be precise. If you're into the whole, being accurate thing.
Well, I have been back for almost 2 weeks now, and it's been a pretty packed few weeks so far. I have been busy sorting things out with M.E people for treatment, or alternatives, and am seeing a natural kineisioligist for herbal treatments. I have had no chest pain at all recently, and after hearing that so many people were praying for me, I am hoping that God has healed that!


I have been praying about my return to Kyrgyzstan, and have my ticket already. I bought it as a return in my anticipation of healing. A step of faith.


Home is hard because I can't work, so therefore I am completly broke, especially after riasing so much money to get home in the first place. That is the hard aspect, i am looking at needing a budget of at least 100 pound a month in order to get back and forward etc. I am going to Exeter in November for a few down days with a good friend and to attempt to see the new Elim offices, of which i am now officially a missionary! Exciting, and fantastic to have their backing and love and care as they endeavor to work out treatment for me too.


I havent been sleeping still, and am continually exhausted, except at nights when I seem to get a wind of energy. Seeing my friends has been fun, and I seem to be able to draw some energy from them, as weird as that sounds. I haven't seen lots of my family, my mum and dad are both working, but i've enjoyed seeing my nephews and my sister Kelly. Although i won't see my other sister Amanda until I go to London.


My church are helping me go to London to go to a clinic and get a thorough check up, etc. It is very very nice and them and a real blessing to me.


As I am home I will also be speaking in two schools about creative arts, specifically drama, the work I do in kyrgyzstan, as well as working on the documentary i am making on Afghanistan. I will also be seeing family, friends, resting resting resting, which is hard for me because I get bored..but I am doing my best at learning to sit down..ha.


This week was my birthday and my friends were great, they took me out, bought me lunches, dinners, had a party for me, really looked after me and made me feel normal...which was lovely.


If you are interested in helping me while Im at home, whether it be through prayer, or an encouraging word, or even financially, please get in touch and let me know. Obviously I am not in a position to get a job (which would defeat the whole purpose of this trip!) but my budget looks like this


NO RENT, NO FOOD COSTS, only transport and misc which comes to 3.50 bus ticket x 5 (per week) 17.50 per week = 70 per month. Clothes, which are much needed after Kyrgyzstan wear and tear on my other ones..! Ive compiled a list of clothes I want to buy, 5 new tshirts, socks, underwear, trousers, light jacket (my intention is to replace my whole wardrobe which i havent done in about 5 years!) about 100.


Anyway if you can contribute one time, you can email and say, Tony, i'd like to buy you some pants, or some shoes, etc. please let me know and we can go from there. All my love,

Got muh nose peerst

So i did it. at last.

So, I finally have some answers.

Maybe you are wondering why you got an email from me, well, it's because I have to share some news. As most of you know the past few months has seen me take on a new leadership role (twice the work, half the time!), battle mouth problems cause by a viral infection in my gums, head to Afghanistan hiking for hundreds of miles, discover that I have a hole in my heart that is getting bigger and now something new.

Today I visited the doctor in an attempt to see if my heart was getting any better. We discovered something that has proved to be the root of most of the ailments and symptoms I've been showing over the past 5 months since my return to Kyrgyzstan.

On telling my doctor that this week I've been having some problems with clarity and my memory, as well as some emotional episodes, he asked me a few questions. Things I've been doing, activities, status of my mind and then told he thought he knew the cause, and AHA, it all now made sense to him.

He told me that I have Myalgic Encephalopathy, He told me he would be sure I had this if I had

1. Mental and physical exhaustion (unrelieved by rest) with at least four of the following symptoms - -muscle weakness, hyper sensitivity, orthostatic intolerance (sitting in one place, or upright), cognitive dysfunction, digestive disturbances, depression or emotional episodes, poor immune response, cardiac and respiratory problems, impaired memory or concentration, headaches, sore throat, insomnia or unrefreshing sleep.

out of the above list, ONLY 4 would classify me and diagnose me as CFS. I have displayed to my doctor, 10 of the above. TEN.

He then told me, there is no official cause or knowledge on this disease, as well as treatments. However, studies have shown that it can begin from 2 different things, after a viral infection (which I had in my gums) and I will quote 'symptoms will begin to show within a few months of severe adverse stress.' Which somes up this last year for me pretty perfectly. The Viral infection is what effects the brain, and encephalopathy means a brain disorder caused by multiple illnesses.

So what do I do now? Well, it's not all the deal to do with exhaustion, because of that I am experiencing 10 other problems in my body including a hole in the heart. But I am not getting rest, or even sleeping. It' s not that I'm staying up late, or getting up to early, it's that when I do go to bed I can't even sleep. My boss agreed with me that this Afghanistan trip was the real turning point in fully exhausting to me. I don't know where to go from here. I am in talks with my boss to get their advice. I dont want to leave kyrgyzstan, but i could do with a down period, and to really focus on my health for a few months. I don't know. YET.

There are soem treatment possibilities because of the psychological aspects of this disease. Cognitive behavioural therapy, Graded exercise therapy and Pacing. (which is like energy management.) The recovery rates I researched were as follows, 40% of people see an improvement, 5% of people fully recover, and thats 5% of 4 in every 1000 people who have this.

So, I have been reading the book of Daniel recently (you know the guy who gets thrown into the lions den) and I feel like I am relating in different ways. I have been thrown into the den, and Im not too sure what condition I will be in when the king comes to check on me. Will I be mauled and destroyed? Or will the King find me playing with the big cats in complete safety? Either way, without faith, I wont know which. Im hoping the latter. I will keep you all updated. I have a check up in one month to re-evaluate the situation, until then i have some medication for my muscle weakness, for my heart and for my arthritis.

The Lord is so much bigger than me. At least thats a comfort! xx

Fight for This Love

Last night as I read through some harmless celebrity news on the internet (heatworld.com) I came across Cheryl Cole of Girls Aloud fame and her new single Fight For This Love, which is released October 19th on Polydor Records. Initially my love for Girls Aloud made me a little reluctant. usually, their solo stuff is never that good, and I mean that about any ensemble, however Girls Aloud do have some talented singers who CAN sing live (as they proved when they were chosen on television, and subsequently in each concert where they sing live). 

 Upon hearing the song for the first time, my thought was, 'Hmm. I like it. It actually doesn't sound so LIVE, or that much like Cheryl, but it is catchy and a great wee tune.'

 Then today as I put it on repeat (as I like to do with new songs so I can get to know them) I began listening to the words and learning much more than I imagined. As you most likely know, I love listening to music, all genres, but I do have a soft spot for mainstream pop. I just do! I also feel like it is one of the ways God speaks to me. I find wisdom in the secular. I feel like I have an ability to find the good in something, a natural optimist maybe? Who knows. I just see God where people just see, not-God. 

 The sacred in the secular. It's all sacred really.

You mightn't want to hear, but here are my thoughts on the lyrics to this song.

Too much of anything can make you sick

Even the good can be a curse

Makes it hard to know which road to go down

Knowing too much can get you hurt

Do you ever feel like it's all a little bit too much? The point where you are at a crossroads and you can't see the possible outcome of good in any given situation? Knowing too much CAN get you hurt, but isn't it better to feel something than to feel nothing? When can the good be a curse? Personally, it can SEEM like a curse, but its not. It's the thorn in your side. For me..my health, the hole in the heart, the mouth issues. Seems a bit much yeah? 

Is it better is it worse are we sitting in reverse 

Its just like we're going backwards (backwards)

I know where I want this to go

We're driving fast but lets go slow

What I dont want to do is crash no

If you aren't going forward with God, you're not staying still. There is no staying still, just forward or backward. Hmm, going too fast, getting in too deep without a solid foundation. That's what happened to me then it all became too much and I crashed. I tried to commit suicide. That was almost 4 years ago. I know now where I want this to go, and I am willing to go slow. That was a big turning point for me...that's when I realised, 'I gotta fight for this love.'

Just know you're not in this thing alone

There's always a place in me that you can call home

Whenever you feel like we're growing apart

Let´s just go backto the start

Those words are pure magic. Totally relatable to a relationship with God. I'm NOT in this thing alone, there IS a place I can call home. When I feel like falling apart...? I remember the simple things. Even those simple yet amazing words of childrens songs 'Jesus loves me this I know, for the bible tells me so.'

Anything that´s worth having

Is sure enough worth fighting for

Quit is out of the question

We make a stop gotta fight some more

We gotta fight fight fight fight fight for this love

We gotta fight fight fight fight fight for this love

We gotta fight fight fight fight fight for this love

Its worth having its worth fighting for 

Fight for what you believe in yeah? Fight for what's important? Don't quit, thats what the enemy wants. Don't give up. Persevere. If it's worth having it's worth fighting for. See how many times she says fight? What a great emphasis, fight, fight, fight, fight. It's not a one time fight and then you're done. It's a constant thing. 

Now everyday aint gon' be no picnic

Love aint no walk in the park

All you can do is make the best of it yeah

Can't be afraid of the dark

This is also true. It isn't easy. No walk in the park that's for sure. One thing I do know is that when you do make the best of it, it's worth fighting for. Sometimes it mightn't seem like it. But it is. You just got to ask yourself, is it worth fighting for? Fight for that love, because it's fighting for you.

T.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h1b1YGIedsk

Part of Your World!

Well, as I wrap up my life for the next month here in Bishkek, as I travel through Tajikistan and then into Afghanistan, I've been tidying my room, packing my bags, getting things I need, and doing it all to music.

One song then came on that made me smile like a big girl. 

Part Of Your World from The Little Mermaid. I was just listening to it and thinking of certain parts that really amaze me. Then I had to stick on the dvd and see these parts.

'I just don't see how a world that makes such wonderful things could be bad' - What wonderful childlike naivety. I sometimes think is it only Ariel's inexperience with our world that made her think this, or did she really just see the good in everything? Either way, it prompted my mind to go to Good mode. Let's try and see the good in things. She sings about how she wants more, that what she would give to have feet instead of fins. It reminds me sometimes of my own desire for more, where I am at not being good enough, I want more, more, more.

Look at this stuff, isn't it neat? A big pile of junk, our everyday things that Ariel finds wonder in. Ha, it made me think - i don't appreciate what I have. Ariel even says, its not all this stuff that I want, its not gathering objects, but who cares, no big deal, i want more.

I wanna be where the people are, I wanna see, wanna see them dancing. How disappointed I imagine she would be if she came to our world now. People don't seem to have that sense of frivolous fun anymore. Dancing. I love dancing.

Ariel wants to be among people, to know what they know, to FEEL what they feel, if if that is about fire, and how it burns. Burn. The sheer experience of it is amazing to her. She is so fascinated by the things we see everyday, the things we think are negative. She has a sense of wonder at the world that I really want.

Starting tomorrow, I'm off to get it. :)

T.

2 months later...

Today marks two full months here in Kyrgyzstan. There have been many ups, and very few downs. Which suits me just fine.

I absolutly love it here. I love the friends I've made, english speaking or not, I love playing Phase Ten and swapping cards with Natasha under the table, I love making ridiculous ammunts of tea for our very thirsty students, watching old episodes of Buffy to help people learn english, getting emails from friends, living with Jim and Melissa and a houseful of kids, I love beating Jim at Nyardi (which I do), I love whatever Melissa makes to eat, and Rachel (who feeds me well), I love the Greenhouse and the creativity it is inspiring and how people are changing, I love being sarcastic with Tiffany and having Pasha pretend to vbe mad because it's his wife, when really he wantrs to laugh cause its funny. I love that you put your dirty toilet paper in a basket next to the toilet, I love the odious ammounts of garlic in all the food, or all the really strong apple juice that I drink with the kids, or making cilbasa and cheese omlettes at midnight, I love not having electric for hours on end, I love that Melissa mightn't want to read this because it looks like a giant paragraph...I love that Jim calls me Toby to annoy me, or that the Hamburger stand exploded in the middle of the street and two days later there was a new one, I love riding marshutkas and accidentally getting off to early because i don't know where I am...or listening to my iPod in the internet cafe while typing something similar to this...

To sum up. I love it.

God is really teaching me a lot of valuable lessons. The value of friendship and having people walk through life with you. The way that God loves us, and how Gods' love is in us. Repentance over old stupid things that I have done. Taking risks and trusting people, being open and vunerable. MIssing family and friends ( I usually don't). Most importantly, I am learning that I like my life, I enjoy giving it to Gd and letting him control, it beats making my own mistakes thats for sure.

Be blessed and praying,
Till all have heard,
Tony.

September in KG

We are now in our second week of the GH being open. There have been a lot of cool things happening, as far as just meeting with my leaders and team mates here, having fellowship, reading the bible together, and most importantly, doing the ministry I was called here to do.
I have been teaching drama at the GH as a way to help the students open up, relax, have fun and discover some of their talents. Our theme for this season is inspire. We are hoping to inspire people to find out who they are, who God made them to be, and I feel like this is happening to me also!
Drama club has been going well, we had our first lesson and a bunch of people showed up, and we just screamed, made noises and acted like animals to loosen things up.
Another club that I am a part of with Melissa and Pasha is a ‘Making the Band’ club. We are going to be putting together a band, writing a song, playing the instruments, making a music video and recording the song as well! It is something that has really been catching peoples’ attention! Melissa, Pasha and I taught our first week on Saturday and had so much fun! The students were really into it. We took modern songs and changed them into different styles, starting with happy birthday. We thought that Melissa, pasha and I should go first to show them its ok to be silly and have fun. Melissa did a punk rock version, Pasha did a rap, and I got stuck with a Marilyn Monroe version of happy birthday! We then did Umbrella by Rihanna, which we actually have on video, so maybe I can upload it and you can watch!

One word that Jim and Melissa shared with me was ‘pursue peace’, so that’s what I’ve been doing, and God has really been showing up. I have just had times of joy when I have no reason to be joyful, and moments of God showing up while I’m lying in bed listening to music. I am finding that God is really grabbing my attention here, and I feel at last, like I am home.
I will be the first person to admit that my Christian journey has been tumultuous, and I’m sure my friends would agree. I have hurt people, and been hurt, but I have been moving out in forgiveness, asking God to reveal things to me and I have been repenting for things I didn’t even know I had to repent for!
But it is all for the good, and God is doing a lot.
I am truly blessed by my leaders, Jim and Melissa, and developing a great relationship with them and their three kids. I live with them, so I see them everyday, and they are encouraging, loving, and very including and supportive of my ideas.
I wish I could be in touch more, but I only have dial up Internet, and not enough money to keep going to internet cafes!

There have been lots of students coming to the GH. The first few days were small, but nice enough that I could get a good idea of what would be going on. More and more have been coming though, and a group of Russian teenagers have been coming, sportsmen (wrestlers and swimmers) and one of them is going to be in the 2012 Olympics! God has really opened my heart for them, and already I begin to feel Gods’ prompting to be spending more time with them. The good thing is that they like me too, so it will be easier. The one barrier is that they don’t speak any English, and my Russian is not so fantastic, despite picking up the essentials.
My Russian lessons have been going well, I get taught by my friend Masha, and she has been helping me with grammar and the basics.
There are lots of opportunities here, and it seems like lots of ministries are recruiting, and I feel like everywhere I go people try to get me to do things, so I’ve been practicing saying no! I am here in this time for the GH, and to explore some other avenues too. I should be going out to villages with my friend Jenish in the near future when I get my schedule worked out, working with orphans and homeless too. While back in Belfast I shared my heart for orphanage ministry, which I haven’t had the opportunity to really explore yet, but that is because I am taking my commitment to the GH seriously and not flopping around between ministries. At first it was daunting, I wasn’t sure exactly what my involvement would be a I wanted to kind of ‘do my own thing.’ However, it has been fantastic working with Jim and Melissa, and the students in the GH who come to learn and hopefully learn more than what we teach on the surface. We are there to practice Gods’ love, to just love on them and show them that they matter.

Bishkek is a great city. They have this little vans that people take everywhere (public transport) called Marshutkas. They cost 8 som (the currency here) a ride, which is about 9p/18c! There are always lots of people around, and people selling different things on the street, from food, to old Soviet Union things. It is a dusty place, but there are nice parks here too! Most living accommodation is apartments, and families live together. I have been learning to get around, mostly by foot, so I’ve been doing a lot of walking, probably at least a few miles everyday, which is a nice little bit of exercise! But I am quickly putting holes in my shoes, haha! I am also in desperate need of getting some winter clothes – the heat has died off and its back to weather I am more familiar with! Rain, cold and wind! The other night I was out at my friends and the rain came on, and I was wearing flip flops, after walking home I was drenched due to stepping in many holes in the ground disguised under the puddles in the dark. We continue to loose our electricity for hours on end at different times in the week. So I have gotten used to life without electric and make the most of it when we do have it!

Overall, it has been a fantastic month and a bit. It is my birthday in a few weeks, and my rent is due soon as well, and I don’t have much money! Which is a typical story for me, but nice, because I get to depend on God!
Thanks so much for your support and prayer and I will be in touch with people individually as much as possible.
Please email me if you have any questions about what I am doing here, or just if you want to catch up and chat. I miss you all, and hopefully we’ll speak soon!

Your friend and brother,

Tony Webster.

Here it is folks!

Hey there everyone!

Surely by now you've recieved some sort of news about me in Kyrgyzstan, if not you can read my last blog on www.tonywebster.blogspot.com and it will fill you in!

I am emailing to thank people so much for your continued support, and know that you all individually mean so much to me!

All the ways you've helped, prayer, finances etc. God has been so good!

Well, I am emailing to ask if anyone who supported me would like to do that on a monthly basis?
Now being out in the field full time, and not being able to work, I have to raise all my own money! Right now, my rent is about $100 a month (which is so good, I am renting a room from a family rather than having to find my own place, which saves me a few hundred dollars! and there are other little logistics like FOOD, TRANSPORT,COMMUNICATION etc) all in all, i think about 300-400dollars a month right now, and thats on the high end.

Could you pray and ask G* if supporting me monthly is something you'd like to do? Perhaps you've been thinking about giving to missions, or contributing to missions in your church or something, well here is a good chance!

The ministry I am working with is a student centre where we build relationships, teach clubs (music english art, media etc whatever our giftings are) and just nuruture the students identities and natural giftings in order to utilise them best for the kingdom. I will also be able to branch out in my time here, getting to orphanages, homeless shelters, rehab clinics, getting to see a lot.

Could you please get back to me and let me know how you can help, perhaps you've already given, so theres no pressure, just pray! You can give as little as you want! If everyone gave a few dollars/pounds/whatever your currency, that would be an amazing start eh?

Well get back to me and let me know! There are many ways you can give, cheque, transfer money online etc. It's easy peasy! Just let me know!

What do you see?

It has now been over one week since I got to Kyrgyzstan.

My fingers ache at the joints from all the writing I've been doing. For those of you who do follow my adventures, you will be pleased to know there is a new book in the offing. I have got a nice new computer to write on, and I've got inspiration from this wonderful culture, so why not put it all to good use. I have already wrote my first 30 pages. This book is about a young man, growing and changing, adapting to new culture. Sounds like someone I know right?

Well, every day here brings something new. Just two days ago a local business erupted into flames before my eyes, the electric box popped and fizzled, and a families livlihood was destroyed before my very eyes. The flames grew higher and higher, licking the trees above with its bright red and orange tongue. Had they caught fire who knew how long it would have been until the entire corner turned shades of burnt orange. Thanks to the fast acting Kyrgyz fire men, in their dull red trucks, almost pink, the reds and oranges became a dark and dull cloud of smoke that rested in the air just above the business. Although today it had been replaced and it looks ready to open again. Not so much loss of the livlihood then. Who would have thought one business would have been so easy to replace.

Walking around Kyrgyzstan I notice several things. People stare at me. I would like to think it's because they see something in me, maybe Jesus, when really I know all they are seeing is the mohawk towering above my head (I trimmed it for the wedding) and the small silver balls that adorn my lower lip. Who is this foreigner? And why does he have holes in his face? Simple questions really. I am hoping that looking the way I do will open doors. God gimme this face for a reason right?

The other thing I notice is how no matter how hard I try, I am not satisfied with the ammount of God I experience. I am getting so hungry, so thirsty for more. I can't seem to keep my fingers from flipping through the bible, scrolling out my favourite verses, the words bubbling in my throat until I spill them out. My desire to share is spilling out. I got to share a little bit with a few people I ahve come across. A lady from the bank on the phone, a student in the streets, other 'workers' here that can't believe I am here.

I am surprised that people are surprised that I came here myself, that I wasn't made to, that I don't have much money, just faith and an expectation to see God do his work in this marvellous country.

It is Kyrgyzstan's time. Keep an eye out.

4 minutes...

Hey everybody!

Since arriving back in the states, my mind has somewhat been a blur. I feel like I've had a lot of time, but on the other hand, I feel totally engrossed in the little things that are taking up my day. Small things, little chores and helping out seems to take a lot of time, and I find myself with only 2 weeks until Kyrgyzstan, and I am not sure I am prepared at all. I don't really know how to be prepared. I've been staying with a great family close to the base, and have been able to spend time at the base and come and go as I please...its really nice to see all my friends, and even have some serving oppertunities.

I have been going through a variety of different things as God continues to whittle me down. My heart just wants to be good, to be salt and light, and of course in order to do that, I need to have no compromise. I know that I have been. Not bad things, but even just in my thoughts and mainly in my reactions to things. My initial reaction to bad news is not one of prayer, but usually stress, or frustration, or anger. I never seem to quite hit the mark on how God would have me respond.

However, with that said, my heart is really in a place of just desperation. Of needing so much more than i have, of wanting to know my God more intimatly that ever, and really to grow and develop. God has done something huge in my life and given me guys to pray with. You all know how easily I get on with girls, but God has just saw my needs as his son, and gave me some fantastic brothers to be with.

I have never before had people stand by me in this way, and just have me covered. This is God showing me how mcuh he cares for me. It is insane, but fantastic. I'm sorry for my lack of fancy updates, that comes with the territory of selling my computer for missions. Wow, I can't believe it's only 2 weeks away! I have so much to pray through, things God is healing me of in my heart, a mind transformation, I'm learning to be okay, I just want more, more, more.

I recently had someone speak a great prophetic word over me, and I feel like from that moment, Satan has just been doing whatever he can to steal that from me. Well, I am not gonna let him have it, it's my birthright,my inheritance, and I am claiming it! Please just continue to pray for strength with me, as for every truth I am being hit with 10 lies. Someone asked me, well, how do you deal with that?

My simple little niave answer was 'I cling to the truth.' It made me question myself. HOW do i cling to the truth? I need to be in prayer, in the word, and serving. I need to be the man of God that he has called me, I need to arm myself with the belt of truth, sword of truth etc. I need to continually be reading that, I need to continually have Jesus in me. Theres nothing Tony can do. Satan is more powerful than me, but hes not more powerful than the God that lives inside me.

Last night I looked into my eyes, and I seemed void. ALmost lifeless. It was pretty upsetting. Where did my fire go? Where did my jesus go? I got upset and realised, that I had replaced him with other things. He never left me, I forced him out. Today I have been inviting him back in. I literally got on my face to the floor, and just prayed for him to come. I then had some great fellowship with my brother Carl, we made this horribly fantastic lunch with Angel Delight dessert...and watched an episode of Buffy. For those of you who know me from before I was a Christian, you'll know how important Buffy used to be to me! haha! It was so nice to watch and episode with someone! I always used to watch it with my sister Amanda, alot. Probably almost every night.

I miss my sisters. I miss my parents. I miss my friends. I miss Fiona and Javed, Noreen and Jaclyn, all my church friends, Gillian, Carly, the old drama crew. All my YWAM-ers who've left, Dihanna, Leah, Eivind, Eliza, Molly, Kyah, Than and Christy, Susie Palmer, Katrina and Tim (WHo just got married!)...so many people. There's lots of people I know I'll see again when I get back in Spring for School Of Worship, Karisse, all my friends on base.

i'm just in this season of being stripped of all comfort, and of course its not nice, but I think very necessary. God is working in me because he has plans, he has a word, he has a birthright for me to walk in. I can't wait.

On a super amaing note, I almost have all my Kyrgyzstan money! I can't wait to get out there, to serve, to help, to be obedient to whatever God has got in mind for me. My heart is just to pursue him right now. no-one else. Just him. I have a few logistical things I need to account for, such as accomodation, and money for food and stuff. In all I probably need around $500+. But I am trusting in the Lord, he's already provided so much right? if you've got a heart to help send missionaries out into the field and can contribute financially, let me know! And thanks SO MUCH to the people who've already gave! God rewards faithfulness with faithfulness, and you have contributed to the kingdom!

So If you are one of the people who pledged money but havent sent it yet, the time is coming and would be really cool if you could do that! You can just mail it to me here at the base, or you can do a paypal thing. But i can cash checks so do what you need to do! You can write me at 11 Osborne St, Lake View Terrace, CA, 91342 USA.

Well, I'll also be in touch in the next few days as there are some more amazing things in the pipeline that i yet have to pray about and get direction, so I dont just wanna throw all my options out and have bad integrity..i need to pray Thanks so much friends and family for helping in whatever you have...I love you all!

Please get back to me and let me know how YOU are doing. I am not just saying that cause this is a big mass email, it goes to the people I love and WANT to hear from. So please, write me back.

If you've received an email from me and don't want to continue recieving updates, please let me know and I can remove you from the list!

So much love and blessing.

Tony.

An Irish Update..

Well since arriving back in Ireland 17 days ago, things have been rather crazily busy but rather crazily annointed also. While on the plane, I decided that in order to fully trust God about what he was doing as far as crazily raising money (notice the overuse of crazily) I realised that all my dependance needed to be on him, and him alone, so I thought...what's the best way to do that?

Fasting. (ohhhh yeah)

Now those of you who know me will know that I love a good fast! 14 days in Egypt,and 9 days in L.A with my friend Than, and a few days here and there in between. God had to help me raise about $2500 within the next few weeks to pay off my flight home and my mission trip to Kyrgyzstan.
So on arriving home and greeting my parents at the airport, I wasn't sure how I felt. In all honesty, I already didn't want to be there, but I know that God has clearly told me to come home,so I know there was something for me here. Whether I'd see it or not. My fast had begun and I explained to my parents...my mum's reaction was that of, 'Oh, well we bought loads of food for you coming home...you can't even eat a little bit?..Will God really care if you just eat a little bit?' It was funny. But ok, because I can't expect everyone to understand. I had medical lecture upon lecture. Electrolyte balances and what not. Crazy.

But I knew I was doing what God wanted me to, and I began to pray instead of eating. Heaven opened, and God began pouring things out into my life, word after word of knowledge and encouragement.

And I am gonna take you through some things he has done.

On the fun side though, I've reclaimed my post as Charlottes favourite babysitter! :) Yay! And I have hung out with my friends, watched good movies, listened to good music, shopped in the rain, walk around Belfast, taken lots of pictures, hung out with my nephews and sister, and got paid for preaching at a church! And still to come...the big Belfast bonfire night, the marches and parades, a good old fashioned knees up (my knees will be down, as I havnt been eating I can't risk drinking!) and seeing my little sister as she visits from England with her boyfriend and I meet him for the first time. I got to hang out with my 'chara gaelige' (irish friend) Noirin and Theo (the baby!)...and putting Charlotte and Theo together was rediculously cute.

So in fasting...(everyday I was praying for finances and the SOW/MA staff)

Day 1. God gave me visions and verses for Kyrgyzstan, and planted some fundraising ideas in my head.

Day 2. I recieved $400, God revealed things about who I am in him and spoke major words about Kyrgyzstan. God gave me the word to move forward on the SOW for the fall.

Day 3. The Spiritual Warfare began. God told me t pray my dry bones would stir. God reminded me to 'ask and i'll give the nations to you.' So I asked for Kyrgyzstan.

Day 4. My computer sold for $400. God told me that he'd already taken care of the finances! :)

Day 5. God began to teach me of what it meant for me to be his son. God spoke to me about knowing the truth of the plans he's spoken into my life.

Day 6. God gave me more verses for Kyrgyzstan. God gave me Psalm 4 for me. God broke my 'depression'of being home.

Day 7. Reminded the money is taken care of. More words for Kyrgyzstan. Broke my worrying spirit. God told me the sweetest thing, in the quietest way - 'I just want to spend time with you.' God told me to put him on the throne and to take me off!

Day 8. God gave me words for SOW/MA staff. God told me to pray for a big release of finances.

Day 9 and 10. Two people wrote me cheques. One was $250 and the other I've yet to receive. I got asked to preach (and get paid for it.) I prayed that God would expose my heart issues.
Prayed for wisdom, God gave me direction and lots of words for Kyrgyzstan.

Day 11 and 12. Preaching went phenomonal. My mum cried. Lots more money! God asked to pray for MORE.

Day 13 and 14. After praying I got some word of some monthly supporters.

Day 15. After the usual, God revealed to me the truth over some of my insecurities and set them right.

Day 16. After praying, I received more money, or pledges.

Day 17. Madness. I heard today I am almost ready to book my flight.

How great is our God?

Tony's future...

Hey all!

Great and exciting news comes to those who wait!

Well, the last few days have seen amazing things happen. God just really speak about direction, encouragment spoken to me, dealing with inner things I've needed healing for, doing some fun creative work with the Mission Adventures crew out here in L.A and most importantly, just having a blast discovering who I am as a son of God.

Well, Tuesday 24th June, I will be back in Northern Ireland for 3 weeks to visit family and friends, as my sister is coming over from ENgland for a few days, so I definitly wanted to pursue a trip home.

There was a big part of me that was torn up. I wanted to stay in California to work with my church, but I wanted to go home to ireland...but there was not a part of me that was peaceful. About anything. I even asked God to give me dreams, and I had two in one night, one was at home, one was here in California.

Then last night after seeking God with a friend I was praying with, and after reaching a place of desperation for God to speak, he finally dropped something into my head. Both.

How could I do both?

Well, when I found out that my sister was going to be home, and our family could all be together for a few weeks, I knew straight away what to do. God also give me specifics on coming back to California for July-August. I don't know exactly where and what, I have my ideas, and people are praying but I felt so strongly that I was to be here for that part of the summer...and then after that is the exciting part.

Since being here on the YWAM base, I have really connected, in such a God way, with a guy called Tony, who has been a missionary in Kyrgyzstan for the last 5 years, and just recently finished School Of Worship here at the YWAM base. It was something so God annointed, and appointed, that when we prayed together, God just showed up, and did things, as we found ourselves in 5 hours long conversations until 3 in the morning most nights!

After hearing him share about Kyrgyzstan, and the culture and people, I had this little jump in my heart. He shared about disabled orphans (something God gave me a heart for while in Egypt) and one thin he constantly reminded me as I sought direction was 'remember where God has led you'...more specifically, what God has already spoken into my life. Which reminded me of DTS and one night I had this dream that I was in this village, walking through, on a mountain and there was a yak pulling a cart...

..after praying into this, and obviously having spoke to people (Pete and Kizzy at the time) I am excited to say that I will be going to Krygyzstan at the end of August on a 'scouting' type trip. I will get to do some practical work, serving Tony and the people there as Tony makes a transition to come back to the US, and getting to see the orphan ministry and just love on some kids...as well as really pray into the possibility of why God brought Tony and I together, ministry wise, as well as friendship wise.

Everything has just been so God appointed...and that's so exciting!

God also confirmed this in a time of seeking confirmation too. Tony has this clear picture and image for God, and I got a random bible verse, which was spot on, especially after praying that God would give me scriptural support.
All in all, its an exciting time, God is giving me back my heart for missions, a real passion and desire to serve where possible, and a passion to see my family.

But let me tell you it hasn't been an easy place to get to, and I am excited to see what God does as I enter the next few months of personal outreach.

Again, this is all something that is self funded and I just want to go do Gods work and help advance the kingdom!

The costs for things like these can sometimes be high, but God has really blessed me so far, and I know will continue to as I step out in obedience.

My flight to Ireland and back to California is part paid but i still need about $800 to cover the cost, and my trip to Kyrgyzstan is going to cost around $2500 to $3000 dollars.

Those are my needs and I believe in what God has spoken, and have absolute faith that God will provide. So I want to ask you directly if you would partner with me in my endeavours to follow where God has led, and know that when you can financially support, it is not just me, but the Kingdom you are investing into. I am excited to get to be God's hands and feet and only you can help make that possible!

The smallest donations can make the biggest difference, and even from $1 they all make a difference. I am excited to partner with you and I will call you soon to follow up! So please let God do something amazing and be part of this amazing adventure over the next few months!

I would ask that you would respond, even if it is to say that you can't support me right now, please let me know!

God's blessings!

Tony.